On Being a Curmudgeon

My middle daughter, referencing these posts, recently suggested, without actually using the word, that I was becoming a curmudgeon. She, like her sisters and her mother, is a quite brilliant, insightful woman, and I value her opinion. On all matters, she speaks with clarity and confidence that is inspiring. I also value that she, again like her sisters and her mother, is willing to say such things to her old man without the slightest hint of rancor. A warning? An observation? I absolutely don’t want to become one of those grumpy people who seek to condemn others, devalue the times we are living in or the experiences of others trying to navigate them, or suggest that the past was some golden era when shit didn’t stink and we all farted in technicolor. Some of my reaction is defensive, for a portion of the word curmudgeon applies specifically to older people, and while I don’t want to be perceived as “bad tempered” ever, I also am in self-denial about my age. I feel pretty young. I like being among the energy of young people. The one thing I know for sure is that I have a lot to learn, something I once thought the province of youth, although aging has taught me that the universe is more complicated the more you learn about it.

A week ago I was thrilled to be present at the Montana Librarians Convention to honor the lyrical work of Deborah Magpie Earling as she accepted the Montana Book Award. I was afforded five minutes to address those assembled. I used that time primarily to thank the librarians present—and alongside them bookstore owners, teachers, and my fellow writers—for the work they do on the frontlines of protecting freedom of independent thought and access to knowledge. At risk of curmudgeonly behavior, I spoke briefly about the anxiousness of the present moment when collectively we are fatigued from a pandemic and assaulted by an uncertain future with daily reminders about the reality of global climate change and the never-ending hunger of humans for warfare. We awaken seemingly daily to ever-changing technologies that rewire human brains and even threaten our replacement. We are constantly reminded that we live within a national atmosphere of violent division. This list that prompts collective anxiety could be much longer. Long enough that in an age when we are also told we inhabit a “post-fact” world, one further confused by the technological ability to falsify images and videos and audio, we desperately need people like librarians to maintain repositories of knowledge that afford everyone access. As a writer, I am absolutely biased, but I believe books and libraries are two of humankind’s most important inventions (certainly ranking up there with dark chocolate, milk steamers, the tone of Diana Krall’s voice [I guess that doesn’t count as an invention], and the Scrub-Daddy™ [I have no idea what these things are really made of]). Did I mention the anxiety caused by constant exposure to sound bites and forty-five second videos and the resulting attention deficits? (Plot spoiler: three in five members of Gen Z say they turn to social media as their news source; they rank business, politics, and religion at the bottom of their news interests. Please let that settle in a moment—dependence on non-expert, non-substantiated, sound bite pseudo-journalism for news.) Back to books and libraries. It breaks my heart that both are now regularly politicized—most often by those who seldom read. In times of high anxiety it is easy to sound like a defeatist. Easy to be glum. Easy, particularly if you have a few decades of experience living through other anxious times, to come across as a curmudgeon.

No more than wishing to be viewed as a curmudgeon do I want to be seen as attacking members of Gen Z—those born between the years 1997 and 2012—yet as you have correctly guessed some of this post does wish to ask hard questions of opinions expressed by some members of this generation entering its first decade of adulthood. I have little tolerance for reverse ageism, no more so than I do for ageism (and this suggests a need for a new term—what is that, youngism?) As a longtime teacher, I’ve spent most of my life celebrating the achievements of young people and I feel extremely lucky to have passed a substantial part of my life among people in their teens and twenties. Youth often gets a bad rap. My years of teaching, coaching, and parenting made it clear to me that a bad rap is undeserved by most, and that the best of any generation can and should inspire every generation. That said, in the current language of the time, something I both understand intellectually and believe has grown completely beyond common sense, I issue a “trigger warning” that this post explores what I see has some disturbing trends about Gen Z males and views towards sexual equality. Trends that suggest what I find scary backwards social movement when so much forward movement remains required.

It is in thinking about the same above-mentioned daughter—I believe a close proximity to her words was something like, “Dad, you’re sounding a little bit cynical there”—that prompted some of the rabbit hole of this post. [She’s also the one who turned me on to the supernatural wonders of the Scrub-Daddy™.] I am the father of three daughters, all of them highly intelligent over-achievers with demanding, stressful work responsibilities and all parents to young children. All can be fiercely independent, regularly have original, far-sighted ideas, are frequently silly, possess eclectic interests, are attuned to the larger world, are deeply moral, and like women everywhere, are frequently required to prove themselves in ways that male colleagues do not and despite having earnestly dedicated parenting partners are often the sole focus of their young children when minor traumas occur. The daughter highlighted here is a member of senior management in a large company and the mother of three children under age six. Our daughters come by their character traits honestly, for their mother embodies them as well, serving as a mentor to them and to a number of young women who have worked for her, encouraging education, inspiring ambition, valuing independence of thought. Like their mother, our daughters are hungry to know things, quick to set aspirational goals, thoughtful and compassionate. Next month I will have been married to their mother for forty years. I still marvel at her every day. Being in her presence makes me a better person. I’m lucky that way. I’ve spent my adult life surrounded by such women. All of my sisters-in-law represent that balance of genuine, sweet, approachable people who possess extraordinary intellects and have an uncanny ability to excel at everything they attempt. All of my best bosses have been women. Having spent much of my life teaching in English departments my experience has far exceeded the fifty-eight percent of undergraduates who are women; time and again, these young women wrote and thought about ideas and expressed emotions with a fluidity and originality that floored me. While I have male friends who are vitally important in my life and valued beyond measure, most of my good friends have been/are women. So I guess I have admitted a second bias already, a gender based one.  

Now what does all of this have to do with the threatened questions I wish to ask of some members of Gen Z? A number of recent news stories, some widely spread, some ignored, have fixated my attention of late. Gender inequality, misogyny, double standards, glass ceilings…there’s nothing new about the status quo of how women are treated in a patriarchal culture. While it is true that the cultural environment our daughters faced as they exited college was significantly improved than the one my wife and her peers encountered, progress has remained painfully slow and measured at best. The Me-Too movement, something building for ages and reaching a crescendo with the exposure of Harvey Weinstein’s crimes, started less than twenty years ago, and yet ever since the 2016 election has often become maligned. As a friend reminded me not long ago, serious hopes for an Equal Rights Amendment died more than forty years ago, unable to reach the two-thirds ratification requirement by states. The lopsided table one encounters when looking at the simple data regarding the inequality of compensation for women and their dramatic underrepresentation on corporate boards and in c-suites is all well documented.

Consider just one major figure in the news in recent weeks and we are reminded just how little meaningful progress has been made. I’m thinking about the current phenomenon that is Caitlin Clark, the guard for the Iowa Hawkeyes women’s basketball team. She has broken an extraordinary number of records, but two of particular note are that she is the all-time Division I leader in made three-point shots and she passed LSU legend Pete Maravich for most career points in Division I history for men and women. Two weeks ago she was chosen as the number one WNBA draft pick by the Indiana Fever. Her salary? A four-year deal totaling $338,056 (and what’s with the 56 bucks, by the way?). That’s an average of $84,500 and change—slightly above what a Walmart manager averages. By contrast, the number one draft pick among men last year was Victor Wembanyama, who also signed a four-year deal; his was worth $55 million. Not exactly a level playing field. Now, because America is America and obsessed with athletes and movie stars and runs on faddish applications of capitalism, Clark will be just fine, having signed a $28 million Nike deal (Wembanyama’s own Nike deal is worth over $100 million—just saying). Given the lack of privacy and constant media scrutiny, I don’t know that any amount of money is worth it. Indeed, Caitlin Clark has already been the victim of AI created fake nude photos widely disseminated on social media, something becoming a common experience for women.

Equality? Hardly. And yet, this year’s NCAA tournament created a tidal wave of interest in the women’s game (or benefited from crafty media marketing, which in itself is a requirement for change in our media-obsessed culture). Was it just the Clark phenomena, or is a woman’s sport having a moment? In an absolute first, more people watched the women’s NCAA final than the men’s, and by a substantial margin. This year the Nebraska Cornhuskers volleyball team sold out the football stadium for a match. It feels like something meaningful, at least in women’s sports is happening. A lot of the basketball success was hype, the presence of a perceived and media-fueled rivalry, and a stand-out group of players expanded by a fifth year of eligibility due to COVID and the new transfer rules but some of that hype will result in new, permanent fans. Can it be sustained? I doubt it. I wish it would for numerous reasons, including that the aforementioned daughter played Division I basketball. But I might remind you that the US Women’s national soccer team had to sue the US Soccer Federation for violating the Equal Pay Act, and while they won the suit (keeping in mind that the US women’s team has had exponentially more international success than the US men’s team), they were thoroughly disparaged in the media and faced a social media onslaught from misogynists. Still, WMLS is growing with new teams and is financially sound. Much of the new interest in women’s basketball will likely wane, but not all. Another example, ultimately, I believe of progress but rather than equality, tremors, not an earthquake. Will equal pay follow between the NBA and WNBA or other professional leagues? Sorry, that question belongs not to a curmudgeon but in a fantasy land.

The backlash reactions to the Me-Too movement and the US women’s team lawsuit are predictable. As predictable as some men questioning a rape victim’s attire, behavior, or withdrawal of consent. If human history teaches us anything it’s that those in power will do and say most anything to retain their power; that has been the consistent reality of patriarchal cultures.

Now where does Gen Z fit into all this? Well, back to the NCAA for one moment first. Historically, about sixty percent of NCAA women’s basketball fans, according to Nielsen, have children in the home, which makes sense given that many of those children are likely participating in recreational sports and given lifestyle components of those more likely to be home watching sports rather than participating in other entertainment, with the common sense suggestion being that most of these viewers with children don’t fall into Gen Z. Data from 2023 (which, one assumes, may have shifted a bit this year) shows that only ten percent of those between ages eighteen and thirty-four consider themselves avid fans of women’s basketball. It would seem likely that Gen Z was not significantly represented among those who added to the record viewership for this year’s women’s tournament final. If women’s sports are having a moment, it seems unlikely that a high percentage of Gen Z males are part of its fan club.

I admit that is a rather minor statistical statement about Gen Z and views towards women. I also admit that I am guilty of painting with a broad brush here and that many Gen Z men are avid supporters of their female counterparts. There is an opposite reality as well, with many male sports fans and athletes of all ages who openly lament the presence of Title IX rules that protect people from discrimination based on sex in education programs or activities that receive federal financial assistance. But there have been other recent news stories I find truly troubling.

A survey in the UK conducted by Ipsos polling for King’s College London’s Policy Institute and the Global Institute for Women’s Leadership found that one in four males aged sixteen to twenty-nine believe it is harder to be a man than a woman. (Forget the inequalities I’ve already touched on and just stop at menstruation, childbirth, and menopause and tell me you can take these guys seriously.) Sixteen percent of the same age group said that they believed feminism “did more harm than good.” A fifth of those who have heard of Andrew Tate look favorably on him. Tate is a “social media influencer” (I’ll coral my desire to take on that moniker for another curmudgeon session) and a British-American former kickboxer who has 8.7 million followers on the social media platform X. He is facing charges in Romania, which he denies, of human trafficking, rape, and forming a criminal gang to sexually exploit women. He has talked about hitting and choking women and has said he is “absolutely a misogynist.” Thirty-two percent of the same age group completing the survey said that they look favorably on Jordan Peterson, a best-selling Canadian author and academic who says that he is a spokesman for “demoralized young men” and says that Tate offers “forthright aggression” as an alternative to “cringing defeat.” Much of the rhetoric used by Tate and Peterson sounds awfully similar to Vincent James Foxx, an agitator, antisemite, and want-to-be politician from Northern Idaho who once said, “We are the Christian Taliban and we will not stop until The Handmaid’s Tale is a reality and even worse than that.” If you are not familiar with Margaret Atwood’s seminal novel The Handmaid’s Tale or the Apple television series adapted from it, they are set in a dystopian near-future New England after a patriarchal, totalitarian state known as the Republic of Gilead has overthrown the United States. “Handmaids” are women who are forcibly assigned to produce children for the ruling class. Foxx echoes his better-known fellow Gen Z white supremacist pundit Nick Fuentes, host of a livestream show “America First.” During an April 2022 taping of his show, Fuentes responded to an audience member’s question about how to respond to his wife “getting out of line,” saying, “Why don’t you give her a vicious and forceful backhanded slap with your knuckles right across her face—disrespectfully—and make it hurt?...Just kidding of course…just a joke…I would never lay a hand on a women, unless she had it coming.”

This image is of original work from Nate Jones Design

People like Tate, Peterson, Foxx, and Fuentes represent a minority, although appeals like theirs seem more frequently to land with or at least fail to spark distancing from a large segment of conservative voters. The youth of the UK survey expressing that men have it worse than women also represent a minority, if a sizable one. That such views continue to exist at all at this stage of human evolution remains shocking to me, but then I often remain quite naïve. I’m also guilty, as I suspect we all are, of normalizing our own beliefs. I can only say that at no point in my life have I ever not believed in equality among all people. In my worldview, people are people, no matter gender, race, sexual orientation, economic status, or age.

But my frequent naivete, my disbelief that people like Fuentes, Fox, Tate, or Peterson really hold the views they espouse does not mean that I am ignorant. Incredulous, yes. Will most of these young men who answered a survey grow beyond such views? I hope so. Clearly many Baby Boomers managed to do so. Life experience will help. As will committed relationships. Some will father daughters. They do not yet have the benefit of age and experience. But the four men mentioned share a common thread in their support for a certain American president of “grab them by the pussy” fame facing at least eighteen accusations of sexual harassment or sexual assault. Should I expect Gen Z men to have greater regard for women’s autonomy than the elder men and women who find it reasonable to vote for a completely amoral person? The young men who look on Tate and Peterson have time to grow up. Trump does not. Like his vocabulary and logic skills, Trump’s moral development ceased in early adolescence. In an extension of my naivete, I simply cannot understand how any woman can consider voting to return him to power. And I should think all women should find these minority views among Gen Z males sadly familiar yet chilling.

Which leads me to a final aside: To my many male conservative friends, I challenge you to place your politics and your financial portfolios aside for a moment and ask yourselves a simple common-sense question: in all honesty, would you be comfortable if your wife, your sister, your daughter, or your granddaughter were alone in a room with Donald Trump? To my conservative female friends, I’d challenge you to answer the same question and then add one more, would you?

Am I a curmudgeon? Likely so. If one measure of curmudgeon-liness in these anxious times comes to treating half of the human population with equal dignity and respect, or to do my part in ensuring that our daughters and granddaughters have every possible opportunity to lead lives in which they are valued for their intelligence, open-mindedness, and kindness, I’ll gladly take up the mantle.